Over the past three and a half months we've been observing and battling this European concept of traffic. It's unlike anything we have ever experienced in 'the states' (unless you count driving in Indiana, which comes close). When we visited in December, there weren't a ton of people out because it was freezing, snowing, and people were either up in the mountains skiing and drinking or away for holidays. So, upon our move in March, we witnessed something along the lines of Shark Week in the streets. It's nuts. Although we don't have to take a driver's test to get our license (just proof that we have driven for at least three years or that we've passed third grade... either will work I believe), we have been able to assemble a 'rule book', if you will, that can prepare anyone for driving here.
1. Horn blowing.
We've found that a lot of people over here love to prematurely honk. God forbid you ever get stuck at the front of the line at a stop light. If this does happen, look in your rearview mirror and you will see an a-hole who is writhing with anticipation. He thinks you've been to Nascar camp and that you should be able to get off the line like Vin Diesel. He has the reflexes of a cat and will honk the millisecond the light turns yellow (see #9).
You should have known. Just stop driving. Also, when I say 'he' it's just a generic term. You are just as likely to get honked at by a sweet grandmother.
Other horn blowing incidents may include: anything. You should know.
2. Hierarchy of the street.
I made a visual to help you understand where your car is in the hierarchy of things. All members must yield to those above them. If you're driving a tram... you only yield to people. Lucky. Oddly enough, people rule the street here. Nevermind the 300ft. long bus barreling down the street towards you. You have the right of way. He'll slam on his breaks (injuring a few passengers) and allow you to take your sweet time crossing while texting your bff. No worries.
If you choose to drive a car... bahahaha!!! Have fun with that. Consider all the parties you have to yield to and then throw in some 'legible' street signs (see #3). The urge to illegaly purchase Zanex will overcome you.
3. Street signs.
You were hoping for street-name signs? Awww... that's cute. The idea of labeling a street with it's name on a large, brightly-colored sign hasn't really taken root here. I have high hopes though. They do have navy blue (just the color to get your attention) signs on the side of buildings with street names. So, if you have vision on par with a hawk, you might do just fine. Other street signs include the ones seen at the right. Good thing they have distinguishing signs for 'domestic' and 'wild' animal crossings. I wouldn't want to be misled. There is also a creepy sign picturing an old man walking with a little girl. We're confident that it means 'crossing for pedophiles only'.
If your taking a trip to Lausanne, nevermind directions. Just follow the white arrow that says Lausanne on it until you see another one... then follow that one... then the next one... then hope you make it. It's like an Easter egg hunt, but in your car!
4. GPS
Besides you getting lost, your GPS will too. Don't be surprised if it leads you to a bridge that is only for people or tells you to turn left into a river. It may also tell you to make four right turns, in which case you'll make a square. You can try using a GPS, but it may become distracting and you'll get the urge to throw it out the window. However, the benefits slightly outweigh the risks. Side note: I want the one where you can have Snoop Dogg's voice.
5. "Some people don't... have maps... "
I consider myself a prodigy when it comes to directions, maps, and knowing how to get somewhere. However, I've been defeated. The map thing made me think of
Miss North Carolina, a true gem. Well, we do have maps, but trying to read maps here is like trying to interpret a story from a kindergartener called "Juraffs Frynd" they wrote while on a cupcake binge... which I still have in my box of memories. The map is a hot mess and it is better used as an umbrella.
6. Parking.
See Shark Week refernce at top. I always thought trying to park in Lexington was hard, but I was wrong. The parking situation is similar to a pinata at a party with five year olds... waiting... stalking... ready to maul... and pounce any semblance of candy. There are an endless amount of people driving around (anytime from 4:30 on) who are on the hunt for the elusive parking spot. We see some people foaming at the mouth because they've been driving around forever. It will take you no less than twenty minutes to find a spot in your 'zone.' The zone is the imaginary parking area that you pay 250chf for each year. It entitles you to park in any area with blue curbs. I've considered buying a a can of blue spraypaint to keep in the car.
We see desperate parkers sometimes. If you go out early enough each morning you might find a car in the middle of a jungle gym. He or she spent about an hour searching desperately the night before. They probably even found a spot and some jerk cut them off and stole it... that's when the drinking started. They began thinking about life and how they don't have one because they spend every waking moment trying to park. Finally, they decided to pull 'er up into a playground to avoid getting a DUI or falling asleep at the wheel. Not saying we do that, but I can see how it could easily come to that.
7. Construction.
It's everywhere. Once you have your few 'established routes' down, they'll come and tear the street apart to put in new benches. Have fun finding out how to get to the interstate now sucka'.
8. Break down?
Abandon it, especially if you're in the city. Quickly. Utilize the forests if needed. I've thought about this a lot. What would we do if we broke down? No AAA over here. It would cost more to tow and fix the car than what we paid for it. Abandoning sounds right.
9. Green. Yellow. Red. Yellow.
Forget all you've ever learned about stoplights. The light turns yellow before green. I guess that means 'We know you're driving a manual. Get going or you'll be honk-raped in one second.' Also, they have lights for buses, taxis, trams, bikes, and people. They want to be efficient. Not confusing. See an example of the dreaded light pole to the right (this one without the people light).
10. Don't you dare.
Assuming that you ONLY cross the street at designated crosswalks and lights, don't hesitate. Don't even act like you might hesitate a little... at all. You will be yelled at in French, honked at obnoxiously, or run over. Since this post is about driving, act accordingly drivers. You can yell obscenities, honk like a mad man, or just keep going. I said people 'rule the street' over here (see hierarchy), but only if they're obeying traffic laws.
Things we actually appreciate: round-abouts, lack of police traffic monitoring
That is all. Happy travels.
